To be fair, I only know about mango pickle because I'm supposed to. I'm 50% Indian.
OK. In reality, I'm about 3% Indian. I have a lot of guilt about not getting a terminal degree yet (yet!), and that is probably the biggest part of my Indian heritage. I hate lentils with a seething fiery passion and I cannot fold/tie a sari. I don't speak Hindi or even Tamil, which is my family's language. We don't have family over in India because they disowned us. I never owned a shalwar kameez until a couple of years ago. I've never worn a purtha/bindi outside of a Halloween costume. I'm not sure why I know about mango pickle, but it is probably one of those things I tried to learn about because I feel guilty that I don't know anything about my Indian heritage. I also took a class on Hinduism in college. So, yeah.
Anyway, the take-home message here is that mango pickle is incredibly delicious. You use sour, unripe green mangoes, and the resulting pickle or chutney or whatever you want to call it is sweet, sour, spicy, salty and tangy all at once.
The other day, I was at the grocery store and I decided I wanted to make saag paneer. Obviously there is no paneer to be found in Marshfield and I was too hungry to make my own (so I ended up using tofu). I was walking around looking for ghee when an employee asked if he could help me. I asked about the ghee and he laughed, paused, and then said, "Wait, what?" Then he made a call to the dairy section. "Uh, yeah, frozen dairy. Do we have something called ghee? It's similar to butter, I guess."
After that I was annoyed, not at the guy, not at the grocery store, but that the place where I live doesn't have the food ingredients I want to make the food I want. (Don't worry, though. In Marshfield there is a McDonald's, an Arby's, a Burger King, a Hardee's, a Culver's, a Pizza Hut, a Hot 'N' Now, Little Caesar's, Taco Bell, Taco John's, and a Dairy Queen.) So then I decided that screw everything, I was going to make aam ka achar, even though I had never made it before and had no idea what I was doing.
So since this post is titled "How To Make Mango Pickle", and as I am clearly just as much an expert on mango pickle as I am on Japanese paper screens, here are the directions.
1. Get some mangoes.
2. No, not those mangoes, idiot. Those are papayas. Jackass.
3. Shocked that the Festival in Marshfield even has mangoes. Wait, are these mangoes?
4. Peel the mangoes. Or, don't. Whatever. Some people do, and some don't. Choose CAREFULLY. A lot rides on this. Or wait, no, it doesn't.
5. While peeling one of the mangoes, notice how it looks like a diseased nipple. Chuckle and take a photo with your phone. Then write about it on your blog.
7. Decide that to be extra Indian, you're going to listen to Ravi Shankar while you make the pickle.
8. Misspell "Shankar" three different times while searching for music on Grooveshark.
9. Cook an onion and some garlic in some spices (for me, it was just kind of whatever I had lying around, because the Marshfield Festival did not have any Indian spices. I had some cayenne, coriander, tumeric and garam masala) for like half an hour on low. It's going to get really awesome smelling. Or, if you hate Indian food, it will smell bad. But if you hate Indian food, why are you reading this? In fact, why are you friends with me? Go away.
10. Add the diced mango. Cook it for a while until it gets slightly mushy. Some people don't like it mushy, but I do. So, suck it.
11. Wonder if Norah Jones ever talks to her dad. Also, wonder if Norah Jones ever tells people to "suck it." Wonder if you and Norah Jones could be friends someday, you know, when you meet on a plane or something. You'll figure that part out later.
12. Get really hungry and make some toast with Brie. Suddenly remember you have roti dough mix in your cupboard. Acknowledge you are too lazy to make it, another reason you are not really Indian. Laziness?! Come on.
13. Heat up some water in a canner, or in a pot made for steaming asparagus that you secretly stole from your mom. You have to boil the jars that you're going to put the pickle in. If you are actually curious on how to do this, this source is better. I would say that it is good policy never to trust me to make anything sanitary or entirely germ-free.
14. At some point, add about a quarter cup of vinegar to the mangoes. I used apple cider vinegar, which is genius if I do say so myself. I'm glad that I told you a quarter cup of vinegar but didn't tell you the amounts of anything else. It's like Two Fat Ladies over here. Whatever, you'll figure it out. You're smart.
14. Horribly, horribly scald yourself with hot water and steam while trying to fish the jars out of the canner or asparagus pot without actually touching them and contaminating them. I don't know if you're supposed to boil the lids along with the jars but I did. Again, suck it.
15. Drop one of the jars on the floor, not because it's hot, but because you are afraid that it's hot. Briefly consider just ignoring the fact that you dropped it and use it without re-sterilizing it. Sigh, then boil it for another 10 minutes to re-sterilize it.
15. When the mango is done, a little squishy and soft, carefully spoon it into the jars. I should probably say something about how you should make sure there isn't any mango on the outside of the jar or on the threads blah blah blah but this is literally the first thing I have ever canned and nobody should be listening to me.
15. Shit, there are three number 15s. Whatever. I don't want to re-number everything else. Just deal with it.
16. Yum!
17. Unsuccessfully explain what aam ka achar is to your boyfriend.
18. Eat like half a jar of it at lunch and then get a stomachache and DON'T CARE.
You're done! Hurrays!
Since my life is pretty slow these days, I plan on writing more posts about pickling, canning, gardening, quilting, making clothes, and being 100000% more feminine than I have ever been just out of sheer boredom. Stay tuned.
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